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Phelan Chapel - Strategies to keep from falling 02

빅토빌, 빅터빌, 빅토밸리, 빅터밸리, 하이데저트, 교회, 복음, 믿음, 소망, 사랑, 십자가, 목사, 김성일, 애플밸리, 헤스페리아, 히스페리아, 필랜, 필란, 필렌, 학교, 코로나, 코비드, 캘리포니아, 샌버나디노, 카운티, 산불, 폭염, 건강, 취업, 빅토벨리, 빅터벨리, 은행, 호텔, 모텔, 여행, 교단, 장로교회, 장로, 집사, 권사, 새신자, victorville, Hesperia, Apple Valley, Victor Valley, High Desert, Church, School, Covid, Corona, Virus, Pastor, Phelan, San Bernardino, County, Godspel, Korean Church, 한인교회, 한인, 영생, 구원, 부활, Adelanto, College, Youth, Group, Activity, Korean, 미국, 영광, 승리, 평화, 평강, 제일, 중앙, 예수, 마음, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, God, Jesus Christ, Presbyterian Church
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 Dealing with the subtle signs  of sexual attraction. There's a mystique about
spiritual ministry that some people find attractive. Their attitude toward the
pastor  can border  on infatuation.  It's flattering  for a  male  pastor, who
perhaps  is nursing  fresh  wounds from  the  last board  meeting,  to receive
attention from an attractive woman who  obviously admires him and hangs on his
every word. (The  deaconsjumped on his every word.)  Often the woman's husband
is  spiritually  dead  or weak.  Finding  him  unworthy  of  her respect,  she
transfers her affection to this wonderfully spiritual man, her pastor. This is
usually unconscious and therefore all the more dangerous.

 She  may send  notes  of appreciation  or  small gifts;  he  may reciprocate.
Expressions of affection may inch beyond the healthy brother-sister variety.
 The hands  are held tightly in  prayer; the arm  lingers a bit  longer on the
shoulder; the embraces become frequent.

 All this seems harmless enough, but a subtle, powerful process of soul merger
can  occur. If  things  are  not good  on  the home  front,  the pastor  will,
consciously  or unconsciously,  compare this  woman to  his wife,  who  may be
noticeably unappreciative and uninfatuated with him. This comparison is deadly
and, unless it's stopped, can lead into covert romantic affection, which often
leads to adultery.

 A relationship can be sexual long  before it becomes erotic. Just because I'm
not touching  a woman,  or just  because I'm  not envisioning  specific erotic
encounters, does  not mean  I'm not becoming  sexually involved with  her. The
erotic is usually not the  beginning but the culmination of sexual attraction.
Most pastors who end up in bed with a woman do it not just to gratify a sexual
urge, but because they believe they've begun to really love her.

 I once  casually asked a  woman about her  obvious interest in  a married man
with whom she worked.
 "We're just friends," she responded  with a defensiveness that indicated they
weren't. "It's purely platonic, nothing sexual at all." In a matter of months,
however, the two friends found themselves  sneaking off to be with each other,
and finally their "friendship" developed into an affair that destroyed both of
their marriages.

 Lust isn't  just unbridled passion. Even  when it's "bridled" it  may lead us
down a path that our conscience  could not have condoned had we experienced it
in a more obvious, wanton way.
 Thus, our  enemies are  not only lascivious  thoughts of sex  but "innocuous"
feelings of infatuation as well.

 Backing off early. When meeting a woman for our third counseling appointment,
I  became aware  that  she was  interested  in me  personally.  What was  more
frightening was  that I realized I  had subconsciously sensed  this before but
had enjoyed her attraction too much to address the problem.
 Though  I  wasn't  yet  emotionally  involved  or  giving  her  inappropriate
attention,  I  wasn't deflecting  hers  toward  me,  either,  and was  thereby
inviting it.

 I felt tempted to dismiss the  matter as unimportant, "knowing" I would never
get involved  with her.  Fortunately, when God  prompted me,  I knew I  was no
longer the right person to meet with her. I made other counseling arrangements
for her.

 Clearing cloudy thoughts. Often we justify our flirtations with logical, even
spiritual,  rationalizations.  One  pastor  didn't  tell his  wife  about  his
frequent meetings with a particular  woman on the grounds he shouldn't violate
confidentialities, even  to his  wife. Besides,  he sensed  his wife  would be
jealous (without good reason, of course), so why upset her? Under the cloak of
professionalism and  sensitivity to his wife,  he proceeded to  meet with this
woman secretly. The result was predictable.

 Another pastor  had been  struggling with  lustful thoughts toward  a college
girl in his church.
 Rather than  dealing with his  struggles alone with  the Lord,  with a mature
brother, or with his wife, he took the girl out to lunch to talk with her.
 Citing the  biblical mandate to confess  our sins and make  things right with
the person  we've wronged,  he told  her, "I've  been having  lustful thoughts
about  you, and  I felt  I needed  to confess  them  to you."  Embarrassed but
flattered,  the girl  began  to entertain  her  own thoughts  toward  him, and
finally they became sexually involved.

 All this came from what the  pastor told himself was a spiritual and obedient
decision to meet  with the girl. To  misuse Scripture in this  way and violate
wisdom and  common sense  shows how cloudy  and undependable our  thinking can
become.

 Holding myself accountable.  Perhaps nowhere is more said  and less done than
in the area of accountability.  From talking with Christian leaders, I've come
to  understand  that  the more  prominent  they  become,  the  more they  need
accountability and the less they get  it. As a church grows, often the pastors
come to  know many  people but  on a  shallower level,  and those  around them
think, Who am I to ask him if this is a wise choice he's making?

 Many pastors  in small churches also  feel isolated, and even  those in large
churches  with multiple  staff members  are  usually Lone  Rangers  (without a
Tonto) when it comes to facing their moral struggles.

 For several  years now we  have committed the  first two hours  of our weekly
all-day staff  meeting to discussing  personal "sufferings  and rejoicings" (1
Cor. 12:26), telling each other the  state of our spiritual lives, and seeking
and offering prayer and  advice. We make sure no one is  left out. We ask "How
are you  doing?" and  if the answers  are vague  or something seems  wrong, we
probe deeper.

 At first, this  felt risky. It involved entrusting  our reputations to others
and opening ourselves to their honest investigation. But what actually results
is usually positive encouragement. The  risks, we found, are small compared to
the rewards. Unlike many pastors, we don't feel alone in the ministry. We know
each other's imperfections, and we have nothing to prove to each other.

 Pastors without other staff  can find a lay person or  two or a nearby pastor
who  will  love  them  as  they   are  and  regularly  ask  the  questions  of
accountability. What questions are those?  Usually the questions we least want
to answer. And Howard Hendricks suggests that after all the hard questions are
asked, the final  question should be, "In your answers  to any of the previous
questions, did you lie?"

 This  kind  of  accountability  can  produce  amazing  results.  Once  I  was
undergoing a time  of strong sexual temptation, and finally  I called a friend
with whom I  was having breakfast the  next day. I said, "Please  pray for me,
and ask me tomorrow morning what I  did." He agreed, and the moment I put down
the phone the temptation was gone. Why?  I'd like to say it was because I'm so
spiritual, but the truth is there was no way I was going to face my friend the
next morning and have to tell him I had sinned.

 Guarding my mind.  A battering ram may hit a  fortress gate a thousand times,
and  no one  time seems  to have  an effect,  yet finally  the gate  caves in.
Likewise, immorality is the cumulative product of small mental indulgences and
minuscule compromises, the immediate consequences  of which were, at the time,
indiscernible.

 Our thoughts  are the fabric with  which we weave our  character and destiny.
No, we  can't avoid  all sexual  stimuli, but in  Martin Luther's  terms, "You
can't keep the  birds from flying over  your head, but you can  keep them from
making a nest in your hair."

 I like to put it another way:  "If you're on a diet, don't go into a doughnut
shop."  For me  this means  such  practical things  as staying  away  from the
magazine racks,  video stores,  advertisements, programs, images,  people, and
places that tempt me to lust.

 One man who  travels extensively told me about a  practice that has helped to
guard his  mind from immorality.  "Whenever I check  into my  hotel," he said,
"where I normally stay for three or four days, I ask them at the front desk to
please remove the television from my room. Invariably they look at me like I'm
crazy, and then they  say, 'But sir, if you don't want  to watch it, you don't
have to turn it on.' Since  I'm a paying customer, however, I politely insist,
and I've never once been refused.

 "The point is, I know that in my weak and lonely moments late in the evening,
I'll be tempted to watch the immoral movies that are only one push of a button
away. In  the past I've  succumbed to that  temptation over and  over, but not
anymore. Having the television removed in  my stronger moments has been my way
of saying, 'I'm serious about this, Lord,' and it's been the key to victory in
my battle against impurity."

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