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When a Child Dies 02
- 797
Choose the discussion site carefully. As promised, I called on the Meekers
that first morning to be there when they told Jenny their sad news. Cradled in
her parents' laps, she alternated between tears and amazingly perceptive
observations. She said, "I wish I could just wake up and this would all be a
bad dream." When we discussed that accidents sometimes happen even to
children, she remarked, "Jarrett never got to grow old and be a grandpa."
While we chose Jenny's bedroom for this conversation for the sake of privacy,
I now consider that a mistake. Her subsequent unpleasant dreams about things
on the walls and dressers might have been because we shared such traumatic
news in a place she called her own.
Many books help explain the concept of death to children. Most agree that a
5-year-old has a limited concept of the finality of death. This was not a
problem with Jenny, as evidenced in her statements about her brother. We
talked about Jarrett's body still being at the hospital, but that it would be
buried in the coming days. (While not the case in this situation, some
children take discussion of "bodies" to mean that the head is not included.
Again, it helps to remember how literal children are in their understanding.)
Assure children that a full range of emotions is normal. It's okay to cry--or
to laugh.
Children in a grieving family need to be assured they can express a range of
feelings even though many sad people surround them.
I told Jenny that in the next few days she would want to cry sometimes, and
other times to laugh and play even when grownups were sad. Jenny later told
her mother, "Pastor Gorman said I could laugh and play or be quiet and show
sadness and tears, and it was all okay."
Include children in the funeral and memorial service. The death of a child
also involves ministering to friends and their families. I found myself
spending a great deal of time on the phone with other mothers who were
suddenly facing the mortality of their children.
One way of reaching out to them was scheduling a specific time to be
available at the mortuary. The funeral home provided a filmstrip on questions
that naturally curious children ask, such as, "How do they dig a grave?" After
viewing the filmstrip with several chidren, my husband and I added thoughts
about what we as Christians believe about resurrection. Parents seemed
relieved to have assistance explaining the difficult topic of death.
Jenny's parents and I planned the memorial service the morning after the
accident. We scheduled the service so classmates and teachers could attend. We
decided to use taped music of the boys' choir Jarrett had been in. I planned
to give a children's sermon, and friends would be invited to share some good
memories of Jarrett. In addition, Jarrett's baseball team would take up a
collection for the memorial fund.
For the children's sermon, I used toy caterpillars that unzipped into
butterflies. I made up a story of two caterpillars discussing what it would be
like to fly. One then spun a cocoon (a paper bag) and came out a butterfly. It
couldn't come back and tell its friend what flying was like. Flying was beyond
any description a crawling caterpillar would understand.
"In a similar way," I pointed out, "Jarrett can't come back to tell us what
it's like where he is now. But we know it's a wonderful, happy place."
Keith and Judy prepared a display of Jarrett's models and baseball cards for
the reception following the memorial service. This gave them some tangible way
to share their son with their friends and to remember his many interests.
Schedule follow-up time. I stopped by the Meekers' home after the service.
The eucalyptus tree in the backyard had already been removed, and the Meekers
commented on the wonderful view they didn't know they had been missing. (Some
experts may suggest this was a premature action of denial, but removing the
tree was a decision the family could make and take action on.)
When a child dies, we grieve not only the loss of that child, but also the
loss of the future anticipated for the child. Most of the memories center
around holidays and particular sports, friends, and sites. For this reason I
contact the parents around the holidays associated with children--Halloween,
Christmas, and Jarrett's birthday. I noted these dates and the anniversary of
his death on my calendar.
Christmas was the most difficult holiday, and the Meekers chose to celebrate
it at a mountain cabin and to keep the holiday rather low-key.
Looking back, I would be more assertive about follow-up than I was. Distance
made dropping by difficult, but I wish I'd have done it on a regular basis and
with more pointed questions. Not until six months later was I able to
encourage more formal counseling.
The divorce rate for parents who experience the death of a child is high, so
monitoring family dynamics is critical. While Jarrett's death didn't threaten
this couple's marriage, it did raise other issues in their extended family.
Judy has repeatedly said she had too little time alone with Jarrett at the
funeral home. Now I would suggest that visitation by family and friends be
scheduled at a time other than when the parents go to the funeral home. That
way there would be no scheduled end to their time with the body.
Providing appropriate time for parents to be with their dead child is a key
function of pastoral care.
Caring for yourself
Pastors in this kind of crisis will initially devote a great deal of time to
the family in need.
By the third day, I was exhausted from a lack of sleep; I took my first-ever
sleeping pill. I needed to monitor my needs during this crisis. I also needed
to be attuned to the feelings of my two sons, so I sent notes to their school
teachers about their friend's death, making the school aware of my sons'
grief.
While I have never felt crying at a memorial service is inappropriate, I
feared that if I cried at this one I'd be unable to regain control. I asked
people to pray for my husband and me to get through the service. This wasn't
from a sense of steely pride (I had cried enough by then); I didn't think my
tears would help those attending. Our composure that day was due to God's
help.
I was strengthened by my husband, who was also a colleague. Pastors facing a
tragedy that impacts not only a family but a community need partners to share
the emotional load. A spouse, a colleague, or a small-group member can be an
essential support.
Pastors should not have to walk alone.
I wouldn't want to rerun those wrenching days, but they focused my
perspective on ministry and sharpened my skills in grief counseling. And they
showed me how God and his people can be faithful to those who mourn.
Cinda Gorman and her husband, Steve, copastor Westwood First Presbyterian
Church in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Copyright(c) 1998 by the author or Christianity Today, Inc./Leadership
Journal.
