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Phelan Chapel - When a Child Dies 02

빅토빌, 빅터빌, 빅토밸리, 빅터밸리, 하이데저트, 교회, 복음, 믿음, 소망, 사랑, 십자가, 목사, 김성일, 애플밸리, 헤스페리아, 히스페리아, 필랜, 필란, 필렌, 학교, 코로나, 코비드, 캘리포니아, 샌버나디노, 카운티, 산불, 폭염, 건강, 취업, 빅토벨리, 빅터벨리, 은행, 호텔, 모텔, 여행, 교단, 장로교회, 장로, 집사, 권사, 새신자, victorville, Hesperia, Apple Valley, Victor Valley, High Desert, Church, School, Covid, Corona, Virus, Pastor, Phelan, San Bernardino, County, Godspel, Korean Church, 한인교회, 한인, 영생, 구원, 부활, Adelanto, College, Youth, Group, Activity, Korean, 미국, 영광, 승리, 평화, 평강, 제일, 중앙, 예수, 마음, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, God, Jesus Christ, Presbyterian Church
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 Choose the  discussion site carefully. As  promised, I called  on the Meekers
that first morning to be there when they told Jenny their sad news. Cradled in
her  parents' laps,  she  alternated between  tears  and  amazingly perceptive
observations. She said, "I  wish I could just wake up and  this would all be a
bad  dream."  When  we  discussed  that  accidents sometimes  happen  even  to
children, she remarked, "Jarrett never got to grow old and be a grandpa."
 While we chose Jenny's bedroom for this conversation for the sake of privacy,
I now consider  that a mistake. Her subsequent  unpleasant dreams about things
on the  walls and dressers  might have been  because we  shared such traumatic
news in a place she called her own.

 Many books help  explain the concept of death to  children. Most agree that a
5-year-old has  a limited  concept of the  finality of  death. This was  not a
problem  with Jenny,  as evidenced  in her  statements about  her  brother. We
talked about Jarrett's body still being  at the hospital, but that it would be
buried  in the  coming  days. (While  not  the case  in  this situation,  some
children take  discussion of "bodies" to  mean that the head  is not included.
Again, it helps to remember how literal children are in their understanding.)
 Assure children that a full range of emotions is normal. It's okay to cry--or
to laugh.
 Children in a grieving family need  to be assured they can express a range of
feelings even though many sad people surround them.

 I told Jenny that  in the next few days she would  want to cry sometimes, and
other times to  laugh and play even  when grownups were sad.  Jenny later told
her mother, "Pastor  Gorman said I could  laugh and play or be  quiet and show
sadness and tears, and it was all okay."

 Include children  in the funeral and  memorial service. The death  of a child
also  involves ministering  to  friends  and their  families.  I found  myself
spending  a great  deal  of time  on the  phone  with other  mothers  who were
suddenly facing the mortality of their children.

 One  way of  reaching  out  to them  was  scheduling a  specific  time to  be
available at the mortuary. The  funeral home provided a filmstrip on questions
that naturally curious children ask, such as, "How do they dig a grave?" After
viewing the  filmstrip with several chidren,  my husband and  I added thoughts
about  what  we  as  Christians  believe about  resurrection.  Parents  seemed
relieved to have assistance explaining the difficult topic of death.

 Jenny's parents  and I  planned the  memorial service  the morning  after the
accident. We scheduled the service so classmates and teachers could attend. We
decided to use taped  music of the boys' choir Jarrett  had been in. I planned
to give a  children's sermon, and friends would be  invited to share some good
memories of  Jarrett. In  addition, Jarrett's  baseball team  would take  up a
collection for the memorial fund.

 For  the  children's sermon,  I  used  toy  caterpillars  that unzipped  into
butterflies. I made up a story of two caterpillars discussing what it would be
like to fly. One then spun a cocoon (a paper bag) and came out a butterfly. It
couldn't come back and tell its friend what flying was like. Flying was beyond
any description a crawling caterpillar would understand.

 "In a similar way,"  I pointed out, "Jarrett can't come  back to tell us what
it's like where he is now. But we know it's a wonderful, happy place."
 Keith and Judy prepared a display  of Jarrett's models and baseball cards for
the reception following the memorial service. This gave them some tangible way
to share their son with their friends and to remember his many interests.

 Schedule follow-up  time. I stopped by  the Meekers' home  after the service.
The eucalyptus tree in the backyard  had already been removed, and the Meekers
commented on the wonderful view they  didn't know they had been missing. (Some
experts may  suggest this was a  premature action of denial,  but removing the
tree was a decision the family could make and take action on.)
 When a child  dies, we grieve not  only the loss of that  child, but also the
loss of  the future  anticipated for  the child. Most  of the  memories center
around holidays and  particular sports, friends, and sites.  For this reason I
contact the  parents around the holidays  associated with children--Halloween,
Christmas, and Jarrett's birthday. I  noted these dates and the anniversary of
his death on my calendar.

 Christmas was the most difficult  holiday, and the Meekers chose to celebrate
it at a mountain cabin and to keep the holiday rather low-key.

 Looking back, I would be more  assertive about follow-up than I was. Distance
made dropping by difficult, but I wish I'd have done it on a regular basis and
with  more  pointed questions.  Not  until  six months  later  was  I able  to
encourage more formal counseling.

 The divorce rate for parents who  experience the death of a child is high, so
monitoring family dynamics is  critical. While Jarrett's death didn't threaten
this couple's marriage, it did raise other issues in their extended family.

 Judy has repeatedly  said she had too  little time alone with  Jarrett at the
funeral home.  Now I would  suggest that visitation  by family  and friends be
scheduled at a time  other than when the parents go  to the funeral home. That
way there would be no scheduled end to their time with the body.
 Providing appropriate time  for parents to be with their  dead child is a key
function of pastoral care.

 Caring for yourself
 Pastors in this kind of crisis  will initially devote a great deal of time to
the family in need.
 By the third day, I was exhausted  from a lack of sleep; I took my first-ever
sleeping pill. I needed to monitor  my needs during this crisis. I also needed
to be attuned to the feelings of  my two sons, so I sent notes to their school
teachers  about their  friend's death,  making the  school aware  of  my sons'
grief.

 While I  have never  felt crying  at a memorial  service is  inappropriate, I
feared that if  I cried at this  one I'd be unable to  regain control. I asked
people to pray for  my husband and me to get  through the service. This wasn't
from a sense of  steely pride (I had cried enough by  then); I didn't think my
tears would  help those  attending. Our  composure that day  was due  to God's
help.

 I was strengthened by my husband,  who was also a colleague. Pastors facing a
tragedy that impacts not only a  family but a community need partners to share
the emotional load.  A spouse, a colleague, or a  small-group member can be an
essential support.
 Pastors should not have to walk alone.

 I  wouldn't  want  to  rerun  those  wrenching  days,  but  they  focused  my
perspective on ministry and sharpened  my skills in grief counseling. And they
showed me how God and his people can be faithful to those who mourn.

 Cinda Gorman  and her  husband, Steve,  copastor Westwood  First Presbyterian
Church in Cincinnati, Ohio.

 Copyright(c)  1998  by  the  author  or Christianity  Today,  Inc./Leadership
Journal.

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