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Phelan Chapel - When a Child Dies 01

빅토빌, 빅터빌, 빅토밸리, 빅터밸리, 하이데저트, 교회, 복음, 믿음, 소망, 사랑, 십자가, 목사, 김성일, 애플밸리, 헤스페리아, 히스페리아, 필랜, 필란, 필렌, 학교, 코로나, 코비드, 캘리포니아, 샌버나디노, 카운티, 산불, 폭염, 건강, 취업, 빅토벨리, 빅터벨리, 은행, 호텔, 모텔, 여행, 교단, 장로교회, 장로, 집사, 권사, 새신자, victorville, Hesperia, Apple Valley, Victor Valley, High Desert, Church, School, Covid, Corona, Virus, Pastor, Phelan, San Bernardino, County, Godspel, Korean Church, 한인교회, 한인, 영생, 구원, 부활, Adelanto, College, Youth, Group, Activity, Korean, 미국, 영광, 승리, 평화, 평강, 제일, 중앙, 예수, 마음, Jesus, Christ, Holy Spirit, God, Jesus Christ, Presbyterian Church
  • 3535
  When a Child Dies
  In times of greatest grief, there's power in the presence of a pastor.
  by Cinda Gorman
  출처  http://www.christianity.net/leadership/classics/8L1108.html

  Cinda Gorman wrote this article for   Leadership in 1989, and readers deeply
appreciated  its wisdom.  Less than  two   years after  the  article appeared,
friends   in  her congregation  lost  their   20-month-old son  in  a drowning
accident.
  She told  us recently, "The  death was   probably one of  the most difficult
things   we've  experienced. It  was  more intense   and  just  as emotionally
wrenching as the   death of Jarrett [whom she writes  about  in this article].
It never  gets easier."   Yet later, the  grieving father shared   with Cinda,
"You've helped us like no one   else could." That's why a pastor is so  needed
when a child dies, and why we  decided to reprint this Leadership  Classic.

 I  was  pushing my  two  elementary-school-aged  boys  through their  bedtime
routine when the phone rang.

 "Cinda, this is  Dr. Steele. I'm in the emergency  room at Grossmont Hospital
with Keith and  Judy Meeker. Their son, Jarrett, hanged  himself on a backyard
rope swing this  afternoon. He's been pronounced dead. They  asked that you or
your husband be here."

 My husband,  Steve, another  pastor at  our church, had  already left  for an
evening meeting.  Searching my memory  for a picture  of the  Meeker family, I
came up  blank. Then I  remembered that last  weekend Jarrett and  his dad had
been with the males in my family on a fishing trip with the boys' choir.

 I told the doctor I would be  there as soon as I could find care for my boys.
I shared the news  with my children as gently as  possible. My friend Shar was
scheduled to  drop by  that evening,  so when  she did, I  greeted her  as the
"angel" God had provided to care for my boys.

 At the hospital,  I got the story: Jarrett had  come home from choir practice
and was playing in the backyard while his sister napped. His mom had asked him
to stop throwing rocks, so he began  to swing on a nylon rope suspended from a
eucalyptus tree.  The rope  was knotted at  the bottom  for a foothold,  but a
section above  the knot  was unwoven and  created a  loop. Judy went  into the
house to answer the phone and then returned outside to continue her yardwork.
 It was then that she felt the silence.

 Jarrett's lifeless body was hanging from the loop in the rope. She pulled him
out, ran  into the house,  and phoned for  help. She continued  her efforts to
revive him, carrying her son to the front yard so the paramedics could quickly
find them.  But it was too  late, despite lengthy procedures  in the ambulance
and at the trauma ward.
 No  one knew  exactly how  Jarrett's  slender body  had  accidentally slipped
through the rope swing.

 Much has been written about helping people through the loss of an infant, but
little  about the  loss of  an older  child. This  requires a  specialized and
careful pastoral response, as I learned by experience.

 Caring for the parents
 The first task in pastoral care is ministering to the parents.

 Help them  talk about the child.  The hospital's "scream room"  or "cry room"
was ours alone that night. The  stunned parents sat together on a couch, their
8-year-old son's body on a gurney  in another room. We talked about the recent
fishing trip, about Jarrett's  gregarious, friendly style with other children,
his learning  disabilities that were  improving, his love  for God's creation,
and his relationship with his 5-year-old sister, Jennifer.

 I didn't press for details of the accident, because I knew the deputy coroner
would soon come for a complete report.

 Encourage them to spend time with the body.
 We went  into the  trauma room where  Jarrett's blanket-covered body  lay. He
looked like a sleeping child. I  encouraged the parents to stroke his face and
hair. Like any caring parent, his mother commented on his dirty socks.

 The grandparents and an aunt and uncle arrived.
 Soon I was in  a corner with my arms around  Jarrett's father, a usually cool
lawyer who now sobbed over his  lost son. I provided tissues and a shoulder to
cry on, saying quietly, "It is good to cry," while we shed tears together.

 Discuss burial arrangements.  After a while, we  discussed the decisions they
now faced.  Should Jarrett's body  be cremated or  buried? This  was a crucial
decision, calling for mutual agreement.
 When they  decided on burial, I  encouraged them to find  appropriate ways to
involve their  daughter in  the decisions so  she would  not feel left  out or
abandoned during the next few days. They decided to include her in the trip to
the cemetery to choose a plot.

 Discuss memorial  funds and gifts. I  brought up the topic  of memorial gifts
during that first  evening at the hospital. This might  seem premature, but it
was fortunate that we did that night. Media attention the next day provided an
opportunity for Jarrett's parents to make  a positive response in the midst of
a tragedy.  They had established  a special fund  by then,  using the Deacons'
Fund in  the church  as a  collection point.  The donations  would be  used to
finance a week of  "zoo school" at the San Diego  Zoo for needy children. They
chose an experience Jarrett had enjoyed.

 I also  accompanied the  family to the  next painful stage--returning  to the
scene  of the  accident, their  home. By  now my  husband  had arrived  at the
hospital to finish  the evening with them.  He and I exchanged a  few words in
the hall and went back into the conference room for prayer. I left the Meekers
after offering to return in the  morning to help share the news with Jennifer,
who was  staying with friends that  evening. Visibly relieved,  they said this
was one of the most troubling tasks on their minds.

 Discuss available support  groups. Later on, parents will  need to know about
support groups for families who have experienced the death of a child.
 Some in  our area include  Empty Cradle (for  families who have  lost a child
under 2  years of age) and  Compassionate Friends (for any  parent whose child
has died). In addition, local hospitals often offer seminars on grief, helpful
to  families in  the months  following a  child's death.  Groups of  this type
broaden the number of people with whom grieving families can feel a kinship.

 The Meekers  found the  support they  needed within the  congregation. Judy's
statement, "People in  the church praying for me has  been the only thing that
keeps me going," is a testament to the love and care of the people of God in a
crisis.

 Caring for siblings  and friends I also discovered  the importance of helping
the brothers,  sisters, and young  friends of a  child who has  died deal with
their loss.

 Avoid misleading  terms. While in  the hospital's conference  room, we talked
about  how and  when  to tell  Jarrett's  sister and  cousin.  Metaphors about
"sleep"  and "God  needing  Jarrett"  can be  destructive  and frightening  to
children. Since children are literal thinkers, these terms could cause them to
become afraid of going to sleep or to resent God for taking someone they love.

 Metaphors  about "sleep"  and  "god  needing Jarret"  can  be frightening  to
children.

 In the morning I notified  Jarrett's school principal. We discussed the exact
details of the accident so she  could share the news factually with the school
counselor,  teachers, and  students. I  suggested  she avoid  using  the words
hanging or hanged  himself since my older son's question  had been, "Did he do
it on purpose?"
 By using  "accidentally strangled," the  counselor could rule  out suicide in
the minds  of Jarrett's  classmates. A visit  to the  school later in  the day
reassured us about  the sensitivity with which the  staff dealt with Jarrett's
friends.  I  assured  the  principal   that  the  memorial  service  would  be
appropriate for children  and that any parents who  inquired should know their
children were welcome to attend.

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