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Strategies to keep from falling 02
- 1139
Dealing with the subtle signs of sexual attraction. There's a mystique about
spiritual ministry that some people find attractive. Their attitude toward the
pastor can border on infatuation. It's flattering for a male pastor, who
perhaps is nursing fresh wounds from the last board meeting, to receive
attention from an attractive woman who obviously admires him and hangs on his
every word. (The deaconsjumped on his every word.) Often the woman's husband
is spiritually dead or weak. Finding him unworthy of her respect, she
transfers her affection to this wonderfully spiritual man, her pastor. This is
usually unconscious and therefore all the more dangerous.
She may send notes of appreciation or small gifts; he may reciprocate.
Expressions of affection may inch beyond the healthy brother-sister variety.
The hands are held tightly in prayer; the arm lingers a bit longer on the
shoulder; the embraces become frequent.
All this seems harmless enough, but a subtle, powerful process of soul merger
can occur. If things are not good on the home front, the pastor will,
consciously or unconsciously, compare this woman to his wife, who may be
noticeably unappreciative and uninfatuated with him. This comparison is deadly
and, unless it's stopped, can lead into covert romantic affection, which often
leads to adultery.
A relationship can be sexual long before it becomes erotic. Just because I'm
not touching a woman, or just because I'm not envisioning specific erotic
encounters, does not mean I'm not becoming sexually involved with her. The
erotic is usually not the beginning but the culmination of sexual attraction.
Most pastors who end up in bed with a woman do it not just to gratify a sexual
urge, but because they believe they've begun to really love her.
I once casually asked a woman about her obvious interest in a married man
with whom she worked.
"We're just friends," she responded with a defensiveness that indicated they
weren't. "It's purely platonic, nothing sexual at all." In a matter of months,
however, the two friends found themselves sneaking off to be with each other,
and finally their "friendship" developed into an affair that destroyed both of
their marriages.
Lust isn't just unbridled passion. Even when it's "bridled" it may lead us
down a path that our conscience could not have condoned had we experienced it
in a more obvious, wanton way.
Thus, our enemies are not only lascivious thoughts of sex but "innocuous"
feelings of infatuation as well.
Backing off early. When meeting a woman for our third counseling appointment,
I became aware that she was interested in me personally. What was more
frightening was that I realized I had subconsciously sensed this before but
had enjoyed her attraction too much to address the problem.
Though I wasn't yet emotionally involved or giving her inappropriate
attention, I wasn't deflecting hers toward me, either, and was thereby
inviting it.
I felt tempted to dismiss the matter as unimportant, "knowing" I would never
get involved with her. Fortunately, when God prompted me, I knew I was no
longer the right person to meet with her. I made other counseling arrangements
for her.
Clearing cloudy thoughts. Often we justify our flirtations with logical, even
spiritual, rationalizations. One pastor didn't tell his wife about his
frequent meetings with a particular woman on the grounds he shouldn't violate
confidentialities, even to his wife. Besides, he sensed his wife would be
jealous (without good reason, of course), so why upset her? Under the cloak of
professionalism and sensitivity to his wife, he proceeded to meet with this
woman secretly. The result was predictable.
Another pastor had been struggling with lustful thoughts toward a college
girl in his church.
Rather than dealing with his struggles alone with the Lord, with a mature
brother, or with his wife, he took the girl out to lunch to talk with her.
Citing the biblical mandate to confess our sins and make things right with
the person we've wronged, he told her, "I've been having lustful thoughts
about you, and I felt I needed to confess them to you." Embarrassed but
flattered, the girl began to entertain her own thoughts toward him, and
finally they became sexually involved.
All this came from what the pastor told himself was a spiritual and obedient
decision to meet with the girl. To misuse Scripture in this way and violate
wisdom and common sense shows how cloudy and undependable our thinking can
become.
Holding myself accountable. Perhaps nowhere is more said and less done than
in the area of accountability. From talking with Christian leaders, I've come
to understand that the more prominent they become, the more they need
accountability and the less they get it. As a church grows, often the pastors
come to know many people but on a shallower level, and those around them
think, Who am I to ask him if this is a wise choice he's making?
Many pastors in small churches also feel isolated, and even those in large
churches with multiple staff members are usually Lone Rangers (without a
Tonto) when it comes to facing their moral struggles.
For several years now we have committed the first two hours of our weekly
all-day staff meeting to discussing personal "sufferings and rejoicings" (1
Cor. 12:26), telling each other the state of our spiritual lives, and seeking
and offering prayer and advice. We make sure no one is left out. We ask "How
are you doing?" and if the answers are vague or something seems wrong, we
probe deeper.
At first, this felt risky. It involved entrusting our reputations to others
and opening ourselves to their honest investigation. But what actually results
is usually positive encouragement. The risks, we found, are small compared to
the rewards. Unlike many pastors, we don't feel alone in the ministry. We know
each other's imperfections, and we have nothing to prove to each other.
Pastors without other staff can find a lay person or two or a nearby pastor
who will love them as they are and regularly ask the questions of
accountability. What questions are those? Usually the questions we least want
to answer. And Howard Hendricks suggests that after all the hard questions are
asked, the final question should be, "In your answers to any of the previous
questions, did you lie?"
This kind of accountability can produce amazing results. Once I was
undergoing a time of strong sexual temptation, and finally I called a friend
with whom I was having breakfast the next day. I said, "Please pray for me,
and ask me tomorrow morning what I did." He agreed, and the moment I put down
the phone the temptation was gone. Why? I'd like to say it was because I'm so
spiritual, but the truth is there was no way I was going to face my friend the
next morning and have to tell him I had sinned.
Guarding my mind. A battering ram may hit a fortress gate a thousand times,
and no one time seems to have an effect, yet finally the gate caves in.
Likewise, immorality is the cumulative product of small mental indulgences and
minuscule compromises, the immediate consequences of which were, at the time,
indiscernible.
Our thoughts are the fabric with which we weave our character and destiny.
No, we can't avoid all sexual stimuli, but in Martin Luther's terms, "You
can't keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from
making a nest in your hair."
I like to put it another way: "If you're on a diet, don't go into a doughnut
shop." For me this means such practical things as staying away from the
magazine racks, video stores, advertisements, programs, images, people, and
places that tempt me to lust.
One man who travels extensively told me about a practice that has helped to
guard his mind from immorality. "Whenever I check into my hotel," he said,
"where I normally stay for three or four days, I ask them at the front desk to
please remove the television from my room. Invariably they look at me like I'm
crazy, and then they say, 'But sir, if you don't want to watch it, you don't
have to turn it on.' Since I'm a paying customer, however, I politely insist,
and I've never once been refused.
"The point is, I know that in my weak and lonely moments late in the evening,
I'll be tempted to watch the immoral movies that are only one push of a button
away. In the past I've succumbed to that temptation over and over, but not
anymore. Having the television removed in my stronger moments has been my way
of saying, 'I'm serious about this, Lord,' and it's been the key to victory in
my battle against impurity."
