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When a Child Dies 01
- 3437
When a Child Dies
In times of greatest grief, there's power in the presence of a pastor.
by Cinda Gorman
출처 http://www.christianity.net/leadership/classics/8L1108.html
Cinda Gorman wrote this article for Leadership in 1989, and readers deeply
appreciated its wisdom. Less than two years after the article appeared,
friends in her congregation lost their 20-month-old son in a drowning
accident.
She told us recently, "The death was probably one of the most difficult
things we've experienced. It was more intense and just as emotionally
wrenching as the death of Jarrett [whom she writes about in this article].
It never gets easier." Yet later, the grieving father shared with Cinda,
"You've helped us like no one else could." That's why a pastor is so needed
when a child dies, and why we decided to reprint this Leadership Classic.
I was pushing my two elementary-school-aged boys through their bedtime
routine when the phone rang.
"Cinda, this is Dr. Steele. I'm in the emergency room at Grossmont Hospital
with Keith and Judy Meeker. Their son, Jarrett, hanged himself on a backyard
rope swing this afternoon. He's been pronounced dead. They asked that you or
your husband be here."
My husband, Steve, another pastor at our church, had already left for an
evening meeting. Searching my memory for a picture of the Meeker family, I
came up blank. Then I remembered that last weekend Jarrett and his dad had
been with the males in my family on a fishing trip with the boys' choir.
I told the doctor I would be there as soon as I could find care for my boys.
I shared the news with my children as gently as possible. My friend Shar was
scheduled to drop by that evening, so when she did, I greeted her as the
"angel" God had provided to care for my boys.
At the hospital, I got the story: Jarrett had come home from choir practice
and was playing in the backyard while his sister napped. His mom had asked him
to stop throwing rocks, so he began to swing on a nylon rope suspended from a
eucalyptus tree. The rope was knotted at the bottom for a foothold, but a
section above the knot was unwoven and created a loop. Judy went into the
house to answer the phone and then returned outside to continue her yardwork.
It was then that she felt the silence.
Jarrett's lifeless body was hanging from the loop in the rope. She pulled him
out, ran into the house, and phoned for help. She continued her efforts to
revive him, carrying her son to the front yard so the paramedics could quickly
find them. But it was too late, despite lengthy procedures in the ambulance
and at the trauma ward.
No one knew exactly how Jarrett's slender body had accidentally slipped
through the rope swing.
Much has been written about helping people through the loss of an infant, but
little about the loss of an older child. This requires a specialized and
careful pastoral response, as I learned by experience.
Caring for the parents
The first task in pastoral care is ministering to the parents.
Help them talk about the child. The hospital's "scream room" or "cry room"
was ours alone that night. The stunned parents sat together on a couch, their
8-year-old son's body on a gurney in another room. We talked about the recent
fishing trip, about Jarrett's gregarious, friendly style with other children,
his learning disabilities that were improving, his love for God's creation,
and his relationship with his 5-year-old sister, Jennifer.
I didn't press for details of the accident, because I knew the deputy coroner
would soon come for a complete report.
Encourage them to spend time with the body.
We went into the trauma room where Jarrett's blanket-covered body lay. He
looked like a sleeping child. I encouraged the parents to stroke his face and
hair. Like any caring parent, his mother commented on his dirty socks.
The grandparents and an aunt and uncle arrived.
Soon I was in a corner with my arms around Jarrett's father, a usually cool
lawyer who now sobbed over his lost son. I provided tissues and a shoulder to
cry on, saying quietly, "It is good to cry," while we shed tears together.
Discuss burial arrangements. After a while, we discussed the decisions they
now faced. Should Jarrett's body be cremated or buried? This was a crucial
decision, calling for mutual agreement.
When they decided on burial, I encouraged them to find appropriate ways to
involve their daughter in the decisions so she would not feel left out or
abandoned during the next few days. They decided to include her in the trip to
the cemetery to choose a plot.
Discuss memorial funds and gifts. I brought up the topic of memorial gifts
during that first evening at the hospital. This might seem premature, but it
was fortunate that we did that night. Media attention the next day provided an
opportunity for Jarrett's parents to make a positive response in the midst of
a tragedy. They had established a special fund by then, using the Deacons'
Fund in the church as a collection point. The donations would be used to
finance a week of "zoo school" at the San Diego Zoo for needy children. They
chose an experience Jarrett had enjoyed.
I also accompanied the family to the next painful stage--returning to the
scene of the accident, their home. By now my husband had arrived at the
hospital to finish the evening with them. He and I exchanged a few words in
the hall and went back into the conference room for prayer. I left the Meekers
after offering to return in the morning to help share the news with Jennifer,
who was staying with friends that evening. Visibly relieved, they said this
was one of the most troubling tasks on their minds.
Discuss available support groups. Later on, parents will need to know about
support groups for families who have experienced the death of a child.
Some in our area include Empty Cradle (for families who have lost a child
under 2 years of age) and Compassionate Friends (for any parent whose child
has died). In addition, local hospitals often offer seminars on grief, helpful
to families in the months following a child's death. Groups of this type
broaden the number of people with whom grieving families can feel a kinship.
The Meekers found the support they needed within the congregation. Judy's
statement, "People in the church praying for me has been the only thing that
keeps me going," is a testament to the love and care of the people of God in a
crisis.
Caring for siblings and friends I also discovered the importance of helping
the brothers, sisters, and young friends of a child who has died deal with
their loss.
Avoid misleading terms. While in the hospital's conference room, we talked
about how and when to tell Jarrett's sister and cousin. Metaphors about
"sleep" and "God needing Jarrett" can be destructive and frightening to
children. Since children are literal thinkers, these terms could cause them to
become afraid of going to sleep or to resent God for taking someone they love.
Metaphors about "sleep" and "god needing Jarret" can be frightening to
children.
In the morning I notified Jarrett's school principal. We discussed the exact
details of the accident so she could share the news factually with the school
counselor, teachers, and students. I suggested she avoid using the words
hanging or hanged himself since my older son's question had been, "Did he do
it on purpose?"
By using "accidentally strangled," the counselor could rule out suicide in
the minds of Jarrett's classmates. A visit to the school later in the day
reassured us about the sensitivity with which the staff dealt with Jarrett's
friends. I assured the principal that the memorial service would be
appropriate for children and that any parents who inquired should know their
children were welcome to attend.
